Episode 18
FADE IN
The great rescue has been successfully completed at the Bowl-a-mat car wash and the whiff of damp new love is in the air at poolside. Shvoo and NY Guy are now both out of the water and are haggling over the $2.75 he wants for cleaning her truck which is none the worse for its plunge and is, arguably, less dirty. Shvoo tells him that he must be dreaming, but they make a dinner date to discuss it further. Mamie and Thad have departed in the ambulance back to his diner where he can perform a more thorough examination to be certain no damage was sustained to her birthday presents.
the great Bowlamat rescue
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Radish has been dispatched to Thad’s Juice Bar and Diner to collect the ill-clad DP before anyone returns to find him still wearing Jolene’s thong. When he pulls up to the café, now locked and temporarily closed for business due to Thad’s participation in the rescue of Mamie and, incidentally, Shvoo and NY Guy, DP sees him arrive and dashes from the darkened building to Radish’s truck and safety.
the great Thad's Diner rescue
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As they speed away, a preoccupied Radish barely notices as DP changes from the muumuu and thong into the coveralls he has brought from home. Not particularly anxious to recount how he came to be enmeshed in the long and complicated predicament that has now ended with his emancipation by Radish, DP asks his friend why he is so distracted. “I need your help, man.” blurts the obviously troubled Radish. “I got a situation and you gotta pee into a cup for me.”
if DP worked he'd wear WTB® coveralls
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The tormented words tumble in a confused rush from the agitated man as he tells DP of his reluctant agreement to appear on the Jerry Springer TV show where he will participate in a paternity test with the results to be revealed on national television. DP is shocked.
“Yer Whut ?!? How can this be happening ?!? Whutter yuh gonna do ?!? Oh, Man, yuh mean, you, you… yer gonna be on TV ?!? AWEsome!”
Radish explains that not so many years earlier during his big girls phase he had a fling with the ex-Mayor’s ex-wife Roxy, albeit somewhat before any of the “exes” were actually in fact “ex”. More recently Mr. And Mrs. Ethanol have split and the former mayor no longer has access to the town contingency funds to help with support and alimony. It turns out that Roxy’s appetite for cash, among other things, has not lessened since those days. With finances tight her ex-husband has unexpectedly challenged the paternity of their child, the young but not so very little, Omny and has named Radish as the likely sire.
the ex-mayor's ex-wife thinks of Radish
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With all sides hoping to avoid a messy and very public court battle, they have instead turned to the Springer show to be the impartial and unbiased arbiter of the issue (pun intended). Radish is seemingly worried enough about the results of the test to turn to DP for assistance as his surrogate. DP’s consent means they will both have to make the long drive to Chicago for the show and to provide the sample. Since neither has ever been that far from home and the TV show is paying their gas money, they agree that no matter the outcome they will treat the excursion as an adventure. And a chance to actually meet Jerry Springer!
they will let Jerry Springer decide the issue
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Although DP has no problem with the plan to help his friend by providing a clandestine specimen of his bodily fluids, he has attached one condition. He no longer has a working television set and asks Radish to buy him one so he will be able to see the aftereffects of the paternity analysis on Springer reruns for years to come. Radish mentions that there is a set for sale in front of Mac’s Snack and Grammar Shoppe but DP points out that it is dented and has a history of falling on people’s heads. They decide to visit the secondhand electronics shop run by Red, DP’s father, to find another model that fits Radish’s modest budget.
Red always has affordable deals
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Two days later, with Jerry Lee Lewis pounding from the 8-track in Radish’s truck to miraculously obscure their cares, the two pals begin their trek to the windy city and Radish’s date with destiny.
road music
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“GREAT BALLS OF FIRE” UP - FORTISSIMO
