Episode 20
APPLAUSE UNDER
Having been separated from Radish on their arrival at the Jerry Springer show in Chicago, DP has wandered into another door at the TV studio in an attempt to rejoin his friend. As he enters the studio he is greeted warmly by… Oprah?
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Radish fans force DP to find another way in
Moments before DP’s entrance Oprah has finished a confrontational interview with an author who stands accused of perpetrating a fraud on the book-buying public and she has disavowed a previous endorsement of that now discredited story. The writer, far from being repentant, has announced his intent to sign on with a competitive book club and has just stalked off the set
Oprah suspects the author is a fraud
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At the very instant of DP’s arrival Oprah has introduced her next segment with a call for a volunteer for a live on-camera colonoscopy.
Oprah has a surprise for DP!
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“Hey, it’s Ofruh, Howya doon.” DP cries to the celebrated hostess. Surprised to find Oprah instead of Jerry Springer, he is nonetheless pleased and, buoyed by the warm applause which he assumes is a typical Chicago greeting to a stranger, strides purposefully to the couch, hands clenched above his head, mullet flying proudly.
As he steps onto the stage the curtains at the rear are opened to reveal a hospital gurney, three large medical technicians named Bruno wearing scrubs and latex gloves, a peculiar device attached to a miniature TV camera and, close at hand, a doctor with a copious tub of K-Y jelly. As the three Brunos briskly and efficiently press DP face down onto the gurney and simultaneously pull down his trousers and the audience cheers, we mercifully cut away to Studio B.
"Hey, DP, the doctor will see you now."
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CROSSFADE FROM OPRAH ACCLAMATION TO SPRINGER CLAMOR
Over at the Jerry Springer show in the next studio Radish has turned in his specimen cup to the certified laboratory personnel who will run the all-important paternity test that has brought our heroes to the big city. The lab technicians are briefly introduced and are shown placing the specimen into their state-of-the-art analysis apparatus before it is wheeled off camera.
now we'll know for sure
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No one knows that it was actually DP who covertly contributed the contents of the test cup.
what friends are for
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As we enter the Springer show Roxy and her ex-husband the ex-mayor are seated across the stage from Radish. Omny is in an offstage room with his every move being projected onto an enormous screen between Roxy and Radish. Radish is engaged in lively repartee with members of the studio audience who are somewhat coarsely expressing their collective views on his lifestyle and his choice of clothing, hairstyle and tattoos.
The specific topics under consideration are the pros and cons of mobile home living and the conveniences of dating a close relative. Large men in black tee shirts are readjusting the on-stage furniture following an earlier and more vigorous segment of the discussion. No one seems to recognize the irony of the audience looking much like Radish and most everyone he knows.
Jerry Springer interrupts the whimsical dialogue between Radish, Roxy, the ex-mayor and the audience with the announcement that the test results are complete. He surveys all three participants for their predictions as to the outcome and attempts to pry some sort of commitment from each of them as to their future accountability to Omny and to each other once the outcome has been revealed. More furniture reorganizing becomes necessary.
and the survey says...
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The moment of truth has arrived. Springer opens the file and begins to read the results. The audience, for a moment, is nearly silent. One cry of “Radish, I want to have your baby.” is quickly stifled.
As he reaches the critical verdict, bedlam erupts in the studio. Furniture and fists fly. Fingers are pointed. Accusations and counter-accusations are exchanged at full volume. Roxy tears off her shirt and begins to sob. Omny wails on the big screen. Radish bolts from the stage to find DP.
the verdict is in
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CUT TO STUDIO A
DP, meanwhile, has ceased his fruitless struggling and is, oddly, beginning to find an inexplicable mellowness in his predicament. He asks one of the Brunos if these appliances are available for home use. Oprah and her studio audience are speechlessly engrossed in a newfound intimate insight into this handsome stranger who so recently burst into their lives.
DP reveals his inner self
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The studio door crashes open. Radish, having stumbled into the one place he would actually find his friend, rushes onto the Oprah stage feverishly waving the test results folder he has seized from Jerry Springer. He pauses at the sight of DP bent over the gurney with a radiant smile, obviously oblivious to any report that Radish may have. Seeing that DP is happily preoccupied, Radish rushes to share his news with Oprah.
Not Guilty!
Radish shares his news
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The next morning as the two weary road warriors begin their homeward trek they finally have a chance to swap details of their twin adventures. DP wonders aloud how to get in touch with the doctor and his delightful machine. Radish explains that not only did the paternity test absolve him of any responsibility for Omny, it coincidentally confirmed his relationship to his father Sonny.
goodbye to the big city
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As they leave the big city it has not yet occurred to either of them who supplied the test sample. Nor have they seen the latest Dream Weaver column back home.
"I'll see you in my dreams"
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MUSIC UP
